matthew

guntotingdrunk @ 2004-10-21T09:51:00

2004-10-21T16:51:38Z

JOYCE JILSON HOROSCOPE

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Tricky situations are your specialty. There's nothing you can't figure out, and you love the challenge. In relationships, be the one to put things to the next level. Partners may lag behind unless you push them onward and upward.

boom boom, boom kachuoom!

2004-10-10T08:15:34Z

i need to find someone who loves me as much as i love myself.
until that happens i will not be happy.

empty pit

2004-09-29T02:34:11Z

question. how would you feel if your girlfriend didn't call you and then went to the movies with her ex-boyfriend?

i feels like the shit.

time

2004-09-26T23:28:08Z

-happy birthday to me.

drunk

2004-09-14T04:46:18Z

i fucked a new person tonight, she was young, too young.

i need different hobbies.

endless pain

2004-08-30T07:46:12Z

bam boom
yep it feels like that.

what to do

2004-08-28T10:09:53Z

heal-be happy
love-be happy
limbo-be unhappy
tonight was a good night, my first in a while. i really can't explain how i am feeling, it is something between liberation and serious longing.
i judge people who are indecisive to quickly.

fuck all you

2004-08-17T09:05:15Z

i never update so i thought i would.
just because i am drunk.
i am also very unhappy,

new phone

2004-01-30T07:13:16Z

i have a new phone numberit is 971-6281. i expect many calls.

those colors

2004-01-26T09:26:52Z

not today...maybe tomorrrow.

have you all met hans?

wow and the reasons why i wow

2004-01-07T05:40:03Z

it comes
it flows
all I bottled is released
and the bottle itself is emptied
my heart
my spirit
my soul and the bottle are one.

dog hair sofa

2004-01-05T13:07:36Z

living here is very much like being forced to hold your breath while someone you don't like talks AT you three inches from your face.

relocation

2003-12-29T06:41:54Z

i am living at ryans now.
sorry to those i have hurt.
don't worry i will get whats coming to me.
i still have dues to pay.

i miss love

2003-11-09T08:40:29Z

so these revelations are cool, tonight i miss love,
i think that i miss alot of things,
i miss being drunk, i miss knowing what would make me happy.

i miss morgan,
and ashley,
and ashleigh,
and eyrn,
and rachels,
and nameless others,

i miss myself,
myself a year ago,
myself six months ago,
myself last week,
i don't know who i am anymore,
next year i will have spent one forth of my life in tucson,

i miss writting poems, leaving them on cars or sending them in letters.

i miss the joy of a warm body next to me as i wake up.

i miss missing the nights without that body.

love saves us,

you can't fight your way out of love.

i don't have those feelings anymore,

i don't think i can love,

at least for now.

but i need to,
i need to love so much.

i found out alot tonight,
mustly i just realized i am broken,
because i miss love.

fear

2003-11-04T19:48:34Z

things i am afraid of. poor spelling, being dumb, girls, women, relationships,bees, really big fires, ryan cock, my own cock, girls in wigs, some kinds of african tree frogs with poisin skin, war, death without drugs, cancer, not having smokes, not winning at chess, losing at life, ryan in the dark, money running out, drugs running out, drugs not running out, youth and time running out on speed, being too fat, eating to much, not eating enough, becoming my father, loving anything, liking some people, girls under 18, the person i used to be, black people, white people, brown and yellows too, any one who is not me,my car breaking down, drinking alone, coke, being bad at life, ryan when he is lonely,

can i finsh that? no question, katz in love with anal sex. katz in love wiht me, in the love with the world. SPIN IT. kiss the cat, not the hot brace face. give it to me mona! give me AIDS and give me saturday pay, negro/

girls

2003-10-20T07:31:49Z

anyone who disagrees with the fact that "Pork Helper", a new line from the wonderful makers of "Hamburger Helper", is the greatest human achievement, would have to be a fool or a liar. maybe both.

i have lived and died a thousand times in the last week.

stuff

2003-10-18T10:10:35Z

want is all that drives me.

i think i am at the point of fucking everything and bailing on this world for a couple years.

boats

2003-10-14T06:04:01Z

i want to live on a boat,
i don't have to be by myself,
and it can be a ship,
a navy shit,
i think i will join,
but i need to fix things first,
they haven't been fixed in a while,
they have been drown in drink and drug,
i am sorry if i am not happy to see anyone for a while,
i think i burnt out all my happiness,
and now i will just be a pile of stuff,
waiting to be human again.

chakras

2003-09-13T08:57:34Z

addiction is in the second chakra,
the chakra of love,
leaving nicotine is harder than leaving any of the women i have had,
and some of them i went back to,
three or four times,
i will fight and win.

my none drink night

2003-09-09T07:06:29Z

fucking i hate everything right now,
i want to drown out all these sober attempts with a gallon of wine just for me, but i have made my promise and i will keep it. no matter how angry or anti-social it makes me. i need to try and be a person again. the worst is i forgot how to fall sleep unless i'm stoned or drunk.

getting another drink

2003-09-08T07:38:53Z

saterday night was very odd, with all my friends taking shrums and me the driver i felt left out. i had been looking for weed and when someone offered to sell me a brownie i couldn't say no. i ate the brownie while josh and ryan were already seeing shit and laughing at the feel of grass. i drove with alex for a while to kill time leaving a group of tripping fools at the park alone. when i got back i talked them into going to bedroxx for some cosmic bowling. as we were driving i realized that i had spent ryans money well on the brownie, i have never been so stoned in my life. i forgot so much about last night i remember talking to clint, my manager from BK and my dealer about being really stoned and how there was five kids i brought with me and all of them were on shrums. he was drunk and very happy for us. i went to some mild party that was out of hand and i think me bringing a car full of kids on shrums might have been less than good. i don't know if i talked to anyone there but if i did i'm sorry i don't remember any of it. the rest of the night might as well have not happened for me i only remember blurs and driving, i woke up at joshes house as he was leaving. then came home.

last night was the first night in 44 days i didn't drink. i am drunk right now, but now i know when i drink it's no longer to set personal records it's because i want to. weeds no good though, i don't like doing it alone, it makes the next day a waste all i did was watch musicals today, when i drink it makes me want to be out and doing things and working at something, no matter what that something is. tonight i am trying to master my cigarette rolling skills.

fucking crazy

2003-09-04T11:29:04Z

i just woke up to the fucking craziest dream, i have to write about it now while it's still fresh.
it's kinda fuzzy but it starts out with me and a bunch of people in an albertsons, we are all on some kind of drug, the only people i remember are ryan, mike fay, josh, and ben, but there were many more. everyone else is starting to feel the drug and it makes you want to EAT PEOPLE! so ryan goes in for a bite of my arm, and i haven't got any feeling from the drug yet so i tell ryan to hold on as i grab his hand lift it up and cut it off just below the rist, he is so high he doesn't notice and i give him his own hand to eat and he starts chewing it with a huge grin. by this point i am all fucking scared that my friends will notice i'm not high and eat me so i start hacking up josh and passing out his right arm to peole, i stop when i get to the shoulder. i also ended up taking more from ryans arm but as we all know ryan is cheap so he wouldn't let me go past the elbow. ben walks by with a big glass of something i think more of the drug, and a forarm i think fays. he says some ben type thing about how he loves the kick back when you drink it just right and takes a big chunk of meat in his mouth and washes it down with the drink.

i woke up sometime later and i can't remember anymore now but i will work on it.

beauty

2003-09-03T08:29:53Z

i feel like a new day has started at the end of an old one,
i feel fucking good,
i started a new piece tonight,
i will destroy it tomorrow and start over,
i just love working the clay again,
it makes everything better,
i only write like this because i am always drunk and paragraphs are for pussies!
i wrote someone i shouldn't have,
but i'm crazy about her,
and i can't hold that in,
it's to beautiful.

defeat

2003-09-02T07:42:01Z

the worst kind of love,
when it's your friends girl,
when she makes you smile always,
when she sings to you as you fall asleep,
when she breaks your heart,
when she makes you drink,
and drink,
and puke five places in a night,
jack in the box,
my car,
on myself,
street in front of ryans house,
joshs house while duct taped to the toilet,
things are bad,
and getting worse,
but i'm looking forward,
and i can't help but smile,
there is so much life,
and i'm taking the best of it all to myself.

tonight is night 40

i win

2003-08-29T10:04:46Z

there is something beautiful about tonight,
i think i was the only one who saw it,
i really wish for more nights like this,
when i am just taken over by happiness,
when i think everything is going to be all right,
maybe it's that i fell in love again,
maybe it's that i fell out of love finally,
i might not every know,
but,
when i fall asleep,
it will be happy in love sleep,
but not chained love,
freedom love,
that lifts you,
and me,
together.